Mail (Dis)order

The RM postal service is pretty bad - not helped by some staff who refuse to accept the sort of basic working practices that most profitable companies have to operate under.

I interviewed someone from the CWU this morning who couldn't explain in basic terms why they were opposed to changes in working practices.

RM could be brought to its knees with a walkout in the run up to the lucrative Christmas season as firms will switch to rival couriers.

But I wonder if a strike may ultimately play into the hands of RM anyway, which can argue the massive losses incurred by a strike will have to be countered by cutting jobs.

Personally, I think RM should stand firm.

The union's going to have little public sympathy and no political support if posties go on strike, and having looked in detail at the CWU's argument - I think it's very weak. The CWU has become too powerful, far too militant and isn't acting in the best long-term interests of its members.

Carrie's War - Apollo Theatre (15 Aug 2009)

Carrie's War - Apollo Theatre (15 Aug 2009)

Based on the novel by Nina Bawden of the same name, this play is a sort of Famous Five-style story about war-time evacuees and their adventures. The central character, Carrie, and her mouthy brother Nick stay with a very strict bible basher Mr Evans and his downtrodden sister Lou in (very) rural Wales.

Then it gets slightly odd when Carrie befriends a fellow evacuee Albert Sandwich...

Sandwich? Really?

...who's staying nearby with Mr Evans' sister, the dying Mrs Gotobed...

Go-to-bed? Are you taking the p*ss?

...at a farm called Druid's Bottom.

Seriously? Druid's Bottom.

Druid's Bottom is filled with slightly odd characters for rural Wales. The (Jamaican?) housekeeper, Hepzibah, is so freakishly loving that you want someone to smother her. She cares for "Mister Johnny" who has Cerebral Palsy (an actor with CP does actually perform the role).

Hand me the gin. It's the only way I can get through this drivel.

For the most part the characters are sickeningly lovely or cold-hearted monsters, which means none of them feel at all genuine. Those extremes make them very two dimensional. Worse still, the characters - especially Carrie - seem to be suffering from what I call the "Neighbours Syndrome".

The Neighbours Syndrome is when a character has an urge to suddenly develop schizophrenic tendencies, snapping one moment and then apologising the next. The sort of lazy plot development that's used to generate tension on the soap Neighbours.

DARLENE: (SCREAMING) why don't you just admit it - and say you don't love me anymore, Brett.
BRETT: But Darlene. I do. I do. I've always loved you.
DARLENE: (SOFTLY) Oh I'm sorry Brett. I can't believe I've been such a dag. What with mum in the hospital and dad up in court on that murder charge - I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
BRETT: That's ok luv. You've been going through so much of late, what with your family causing you so much grief.
DARLENE: (SCREAMING) How dare you say that about my family! They care about me more than you do.
BRETT: I'm not saying they don't Darlene, it's just you've got so much on your mind.
DARLENE: (SOFTLY) Oh I'm sorry Brett. I shouldn't be taking it out on you. What with Marlene being pregnant and Carl away at Uni, it's not the same any more.

...etc...etc...etc...

There's a much better example here from "A Bit Of Fry and Laurie":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bV3tfauw3vQ

The Neighbours Syndrome is evident throughout the script, made all the worse with slightly pathetic stage exits in a sort of "...this is me being dramatic, I'm running off stage in a huff..." type of way.

I know how they feel, I wanted my money back too.

The plot does go somewhere. Just not very far, and not very fast.

+ There's an old woman (Prunella Scales) who loves children and has lots of lovely jewellery.
- I'd like the lovely jewellery box to play some part in the plot please

+ There's the lovely browbeaten Auntie Lou who's made to cry regularly by her brute of a brother
- Let's make it lovely again by finding her a man who treats her properly.

+ There's a lovely kind-hearted man with Cerebral Palsy.
- Let's shoehorn a sub-plot about being lovely to those people with learning difficulties?

+ lovely, lovely, lovely
- meh, meh, meh

It's all so sodding predictable. Even the Famous Five stories had SOME plot twists.

Career suicide you say?

The final resolution was similar to what you'd expect one of those cheap American TV drama series like "Highway to Heaven" or "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman". In short, the ending was implausibly delightful for everyone.

I'm sure the book is a wonderful read on a rainy Sunday afternoon, but I'd suggest an episode of "Highway to Heaven" over this play.

Tim scores: 3/10

"Too Close To The Sun"

"Too Close To The Sun" - Comedy Theatre (25 July)

This dreadful waste of time, money and effort is now apparently being called "To Close On Sunday", according to my friend James. After appalling reviews, that statement's not far from the truth.

I paid next to nothing for a seat in the crappiest part of the theatre, and I was upgraded to sit in one of the many empty rows in the dress circle. There could not have been a more obvious sign that this was going to be painful.

I'm not posting any pictures out of respect for the actors. They have careers to think about after this mess is over. The performers aren't entirely to blame, but there is so much to hate about this musical...

...the very cliched opening; eccentric score; odd lyrics; wrist-slittingly depressing themes; some horrifically bad comedy (ironic considering it's staged at the Comedy Theatre)...

I've been trying to think of clever ways of saying "Too Close To The Sun" is sh*t.

But I can't be bothered.

I know this makes me a very poor journalist - but just trust me on this one, it's a truly horrid musical.

Unfortunately it's not sh*t in a good or funny way.

It's just sh*t.

So sh*t in fact - you might want to go just to see how sh*t it is... so you can tell your grandchildren.

Who says I have a stunted vocabulary?

Tim scores: 1/10 (only because I enjoyed seeing the American tourists in the audience squirming at the actor's terrible accents)

F**king Men and NBS

F**king Men - Arts Theatre (29 July)

What a pleasure to see a play about gay men that aren't suicidal or psychotic. Yes - the characters are mostly misfits, some verging on the freakish, but they were believable. Based in New York, there's the closeted Hollywood actor, and even more closeted soldier.

Then there's the porn star who likes popping E's, a couple in an open relationship, college slut, play write and sauna stalker. They seem obvious hits for a 'gay play' - but what's so refreshing is they very quickly reveal personalities which defy the stereotypes.

Broadly, this is a play about intertwining relationships and sexual connections, exploring the superficiality of gay lifestyles. It's challenging without being preachy, funny without playing the 'camp card'. But there are also some problems. There's often too much dialogue - some scenes really dragged - and the end is fairly weak. But there were good performances, and overall, I enjoyed the play.


Tim scores: 7/10

Naked Boys Singing - Arts Theatre (29 July)

So having seen F'ing Men (see above) - on the same night (and at the same theatre) - I was hoping to see something frivolous and fun. Sadly I was going to be disappointed.

The title says it all. But - even for me - this was way too gay. I can 'do' camp, but crap camp cabaret is not fun. There is nothing smart about the song “I Beat My Meat”, and once you've heard every possible synonym for penis in every single song - it gets a bit boring. Worse still, there's a cringe-worthy number about a peeping-tom which is supposed to be touching. But just sounds silly.

Yes the boys do get their kit off... but even though there were some hotties, I would have gladly paid them to put everything back on.

Tim scores: 2/10

Dreamboats and Petticoats (or how not to do a musical)

Dreamboats and Petticoats - The Savoy (28 July)

These musicals tend to follow the same format:

You pick some great songs from an era you like... lets say the sixties... then you work on the script. Something like:

Handsome but dumb young rocker: "Can you really dance? Then prove it!"
Cue: Let's Dance

Plain Jane type: "Are you coming to my birthday party... I'll be sixteen."
Cue: Sweet Sixteen

Girl-shy lad called Bobby: "I'm glad you're my girl."
Cue: Bobby's Girl

The story goes: a bunch of (far too) wholesome teenagers from a youth club enter a music competition, and on the way end up finding true love.

For a musical that didn't start with any creative spark in the first place - I wasn't offended.
But. It. Is. Very. Predictable.

The performances are ok. The script has flashes of genuine comedy. But this is a musical with no heart and no soul - the result of crowbarring music into a paper-thin plot.

It's fine if you want toe-tapping fun - but it had little lasting impact on me.

Tim scores: 5/10

London theatre trips: half-year results

Tim wishes to report his London theatre trip's half-year results:

The Stone - Royal Court Theatre (28 February)

Having watched this play, I know how he feels

A house in Dresden house is the scene of a 40 year German vs Jewish family head-scratchingly bleak bore-fest. The narrative switches from pre-2nd world war, to post-war, to near-present.

I'm sure the play had a point, I can almost guess what it was...

...something about comparisons with the Jews fleeing persecution and

post-war Germans fleeing Communism.

But it was such a struggle to follow the plot, I stopped caring.

Tim scores: 5/10

Stop Messing About - Leicester Square Theatre (21 April)

Don't stand like that Ken... that's how it started with me.

Reenactment of Kenneth Williams' camp comedy radio plays from the seventies. It's radio (but not really) on the stage. I loved it. Convincing sound-a-like performances. Pinter it is not. But it does exactly what it says on the tin.

Tim scores: 7/10

Arcadia - Duke Of York's (25 June)

The bunny wasn't shot, it committed suicide after watching this play.

Tom Stoppard does the people and history of a country house. Surprisingly similar to "The Stone" (see above) - but not so bleak.

The narrative switches from early 19th century to the present as one group of characters tries to predict the future, the other the past.

It should be a clever idea, but the comedy is fairly light, and the plot is quite slow. Neil Pearson is just annoying.

The critics believe it was an "undisputed masterpiece".

I did not.

Tim scores: 6/10

A Little Night Music - Garrick Theatre (30 June)

I'm afraid we're all very drunk.

As far as musicals go - this stands the test of time. Trevor Nunn's production of Stephen Sondheim's A Little Night Music is very gentle, clever, and funny.

Set in turn-of-the-century Sweden, it's all about people falling in and out of love. "Send in the Clowns" and "You Must Meet My Wife" are the most memorable songs.

Maureen Lipman steals the show as the wheelchair-bound Madame Armfeldt. It's very dry, very witty and genuinely fun.

Tim scores: 8/10

Aphra Behn's The Rover - Southwark Playhouse (4 July)

You an angel? Give over dear.

Cavaliers flee England to join the carnival atmosphere in Venice with young ladies.

Think cads in codpieces - and you'll get the picture. Unusual staging - with

the play starting in the theatre bar (including a sword fight) and then transferring to the main theatre.

Energetic performances and an accessible story that even I could follow, despite being written

in 1677.

Tim scores: 7/10

Eight - Trafalgar Studios (10 July)

I Eight This

You chose four of eight monologues written by 20-something writer Ella Hickson. She's scooped a Fringe First and 'Best of the Edinburgh Festival' with this, her debut show. But I would say, don't believe the hype.

On the night, our four monologues were; a high-class hooker; a squaddie making friends in a morgue; a suicidal in an art gallery; and a delusional teenager who gets raped in a churchyard. It's all very gritty. But she's focused on creating a dramatic (and sometimes implausible) plot while neglecting the characters. The stories have some fundamental holes which I reckon must have looked fairly obvious even before this got to the stage.

Getting the audience to pick what they see is an interesting idea - but it's just a novelty. I hope it doesn't catch on.

Tim scores: 5/10

Dorian Gray - Sadler's Wells Theatre (17 July)

Has anyone seen my clothes?

Men dressed in not much more than underpants (or even less) "Do Dorian In Dance".

Dance theatre is not normally my thing.

But with this... well... what is there not to like?

Naturally, the boys are beautiful. There's plenty of eye candy in Matthew Bourne's production which is very inventive in how it tells the story of Dorian Gray. The score is superb too.

Although I found the rotating stage was slightly too distracting - it felt

like it was constantly whizzing around. But overall, I thought it was stunning.

I'm going back to see the (all-male) Swan Lake at Christmas.

Tim scores: 7/10

Frat party piss up gets political

Now or Later - Royal Court (Jerwood Theatre Downstairs) (23/10/08)

A play written by Christopher Shinn, directed by Dominic Cooke

I always try to find something good, even in the weakest of plays, but it's hard to do that with Now or Later.

We're in a hotel room with John (Eddie Redmayne), a twenty-something Ame

rican student who's the son of a Democratic congressman, soon to be president on election night. John has to explain himself after the release of explicit photos showing him at a student party dressed as the Prophet Muhammad.

Democratic party officials, his parents, and fellow student friend, Matt, think he should issue a written apology to prevent further offence to the Muslim community. Also in the mix, John's also recently split with his uncommitted boyfriend and is still haunted by a failed suicide attempt which has been partly fixed with therapy. So potentially all the ingredients for a topical play with interesting themes and a fascinating family dynamic.

So what went wrong?

Tim thinks: Christopher Shinn writes dialogue like it's been cut 'n' pasted from a stodgy post-grad politics dissertation. No-one really talks like that. and certainly not gay emotional wrecks who're sons of high-ranking politicians. We're led to believe that John is totally convinced his party prank is justified, and hence he won't issue an apology. But his position - which is complex and flimsy - is convincingly undermined by the rest of the cast on several occasions. So why did the writer continue to labour this point ...for SEVENTY-FIVE minutes! If none of the characters believe his point is valid, then why should I?

I can't quite believe how badly Shinn failed in this play, which is annoying because there was so much potential. He sets up the characters beautifully, but doesn't develop them in any meaningful way.

John actually comes across as a young American version of Peter Tatchell - and just as annoying. At times Redmayne shows passion and conviction that lifts the otherwise dull dialogue - for example the tears at the end feel real. His sexuality is definitely

 underplayed which, in this context is justified. I feel sorry for his friend Matt (Domhnall Gleeson) who adds so little to the play he (arguably) doesn't need to be there. But major credit to John's mother, (Nancy Crane), who's convincingly cold-hearted and distant.

John's father (Matthew Marsh) does a good turn as a savvy politician, and his violent attack on John is one of the highlights. Unfortunately, the performances can't gloss over what is a dreadful political drama - minus the drama.

You know the play is duff when you're praying for a knife-wielding psychopath to storm on the set and hack the cast to pieces.

At least it would have been more entertaining.

Tim scores: 4/10